has been being a huge pain in the ass. It's weird to think about that kind of stuff again, but it's still a pain in the ass. I've been being lazy. Maybe it's because I was sick for so long, but either way it's not safe. I need to leave here soon. Bondie has had me here for too long, and every day it gets harder to keep from him that all this is really happening. I don't lie, I never lie, but I have been not telling him stuff in order to keep it hidden from him and it feels terrible. He'll read this later and think it's just part of the story, but still, it's hard to keep it all in. I taught myself pretty early to keep all this to myself or else it tends to end in your friends dying, but still it's hard sometimes. I feel like a fuck up just telling him that I'm some homeless writer who got fucked up by junkies and Bondie is smart enough to realize that something is going on.
Still, I haven't left. I'm able to now I think, but the idea of leaving just seems
like something that I keep wanting to put off. Which is dangerous. In order to sort of make them more safe I've been going out of the house a lot and walking around this part of town. I also have been buying Bondie a lot of food and taking him out to eat a lot, which is a terrible trade.
'Hey, can I stay in your house while hiding from an evil force, and the government
, and maybe waiting for my insane friend?'
'Yeah sure just buy me some food!'
Which is why yesterday we were eating at the taco place. Like everything was normal. Just eating mexican
food and talking.
Totally normal. Totally fair.
The taco place is a weird setting anyway. There's a huge painting on the wall of people cutting up some kind of green fruit, a deer head across from that, and 2 TVs playing shitty movies all day while competing with the constantly playing Juke
box. I didn't know Mexican places were like that, and Bondie says they aren't, but every 1 we've been to has been like this. Bondie likes it though so I took him. Bondie was on about his 5th
taco when he looked up at me and just kind of stared I think until I realized he what he was doing and looked up from picking at my own food. I'm hungry all the time, but I feel like I'm out of practice with eating.
"Something up?" I asked, which was stupid because of course something's
"I need to ask you something," he said.
"What?" I said.
I wasn't looking forward to this conversation, even though I didn't know what it would turn into. I'm not sure if this is true for everybody, but for me whenever people need to ask me something it turns out badly.
"Do you know James Mathews?" asked Bondie.
I think there was a silence, but I can't remember since it was so loud
in that fucking restaurant
, but finally I stopped staring at him and realized the whole time my mouth had been full of chewed up taco.
It's weird the stuff you think about
in situations like that.
"I know a James Mathews," I said, sallowing
my food "why do you ask?"
"Where did you meet him?" asked Bondie "you just say in your blog thing that it was like a
little town or something? But where was that?"
"I don't remember," I said "I think it was near Boston, something like that?"
That wasn't a lie. I don't remember exactly where I met James. Where I was wasn't important when I was 1st traveling. If I thought to ask at all I usually forgot after a while. I tried to remember, but it's faded now. Now I just remember
it was a small town, near the woods and the sea.
"Did he live in a big house?" he asked, his voice getting faster and he looked slightly
worried "with a lot of other people?"
"No," I said "but he lived near a big house. I think it was a school or something. His parents were there a lot. I think they were teachers. I don't know."
"Where is he now?" asked Bondie.
"I don't know," I said, then I felt the side of my face go down as I realized I fucking shouldn't have been talking about any of this stuff with Bondie "It doesn't matter though, I just write about him You don't know him."
"Yes I do!" said Bondie "I knew him! He had black hair, and was tall, and thin, and he liked math like you said in your entry but you didn't put in the part about his charts on his wall! Did you ever see those? They were great!"
I watched as he tried to catch his breath and
tried to think of what to say in the brief period of time you have to talk when Bondie is excited and he needs to breath. It was obvious he knew James, which meant I couldn't tell him.
"I didn't," I said to my food "I didn't know him. It must have been somebody else."
There was another noise filled silence and when I looked back up Bondie was still staring at me, but now he looked a lot sadder. And let me tell you his sad blue yes cut through me like a knife.
At least I'd like to pretend they did. Mostly it just made me feel the sweat going down my back more and my eyes hurt.
"Please, M," he said "you have to tell me. He's important to me. His parents helped me a lot. The orphanage
I lived in was ran by them. It was the only 1 in that area that would take me in and not treat me bad because I was deaf and it's important that I like figure out if he's ok
because he went missing and if he's a friend of your's
. If you know where he is."
"Wait, why was this the only orphanage
that would take you in?"
"Because a lot of them don't really have anybody who can teach sign language, and they had a special sort
of teaching method they had made up and used with all the kids and they made sure we didn't go into some terrible foster care or something. All the women who worked there were great too," he smiled "A lot of people I meet had really bad experiences in foster care or whatever, but the orphanage
was always good to me. I got lucky, so now I need to help his parents and figure out where
he is and if you know you have
to tell me!"
"Wait, you're deaf?"
And then there was the longest silence of all. All the music had gone off and the TV was set low and Bondie just stared at me, sadness turning into confusion on his face, his brows knitting together as he placed his hands back in his lap.
"Yeah, of course I am," he said "haven't you noticed me signing?"
"I mean, no," I said "guess not. I mean you talk more then you sign! And you talk to me all the time!"
"I just read people's lips," he said "that's 1 of the things the Mathews taught me! So I could get a job or go to school anywhere! I mean it doesn't always work, but it makes it a lot easier."
"But you listen to music all the time!"
"I just like the vibrations I guess," he said "I could see how it could be confusing. I'm sorry. I should have told you, that was stupid of me to assume you would just know."
Let me outline what happened really quick in case you haven't gotten it yet. Librarian
saves me from dying, lets me live in his house, give me food when I'm sick and I didn't realize he was deaf.
I didn't realize he was deaf.
So course I had to tell him about James.
I told him that I had met him after being on the road
for a while, about all our experiments
, about what he realized when it came to the projects
we were doing as best I could without mentioning Him and that the last I saw him James had gone to the sea.
"Do you know where he is?" asked Bondie as we walked back to his house.
"Not really," I said "Still at sea I guess."
"Are you in contact with him at all?"
"Not really, I mean sometimes," I said "I get letters and use to have them but I think they got taken with all my other stuff when I was sick for a while. He still reads the blog I think. I'll write about this and maybe he'll see it and find some way to send me something."
"Thanks!" said Bondie "I really just want to know that he's ok
really. Like that's all I want. Just to be able to tell everybody he's ok
Bondie seemed happy the rest of the night. I think he was just happy James wasn't dead. It is all kind of weird, Bondie knowing James and everything. I don't know if James will see this, but maybe he will. If he does maybe he'll send me a letter about it.
Until then I need to figure what I'm doing. I can't stay here for much longer, not while Bondie is getting closer
to what's really going on. I heard from Shaun a little
bit the past few days and that he's being fucking batshit
. Evidently he was taken by somebody too. Maybe he'll post another video explaining what happened
or an entry. I feel like I have to stay here though, at least to wait for him, but I know I can't. Either way I'll have to leave them, I just have to figure out what way. For now though my chest is still healing and I can't run yet anyway, so I have to stay here for a little bit more. Even if I don't want to. Even though it's dangerous. even though I wake up everytime
I go to sleep covered in sweat and after the sweet moment of foggy sleep everything that's happened
comes crashing back down me so I can't move at all even if I wanted to.